sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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