I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
