ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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