So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
