just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
