Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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