I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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