my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
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