can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
