My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
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i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
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We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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