Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
