why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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