And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
