I saw his package. It spoke to me.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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