She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
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