i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
