I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
