just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
