he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
