Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
