I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
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