I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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