Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
