so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
