we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
