I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
