There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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