Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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