just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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