Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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