Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
