My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
