My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
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