I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
