Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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