well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
