Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Houston, we have a blender
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
