The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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