We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
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