You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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