so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
