So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
