he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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