Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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