If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
