Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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