I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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