I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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