if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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