Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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