Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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