Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
