Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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