The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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