Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
