dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
