I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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