Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
