ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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